Q: Why did Bach have so many children?
A: His organ had no stops.

Q: What did Mozart recently say to a noisy visitor?
A: "Shhhh! I'm decomposing!"

Q: What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of shit?
A: The sack.

Q: If Hitler, Stalin and a conductor all walked into the room in which you were standing, and you had a gun but only two bullets, who would you shoot first?
A: The conductor...twice.

Q: Why are conductors' hearts so coveted for transplants?
A: They've had so little use.

Q: What does a good conductor weigh?
A: 28 ounces, not counting the urn.

We know a guy who was so dumb his teacher gave him two sticks and he became a drummer but then lost one and became a conductor.

Q: If you throw a conductor and a violist off a tall building, who'll hit the ground first?
A: Who cares?

Q: What's the difference between a bull and a symphony orchestra?
A: The bull has the horns in front and the ass in the back.

Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a conductor?
A: A Doberman.

Q: What do all great conductors have in common?
A: They're all dead.

Q: What does new age music sound like played backwards?
A: New age music.

Q: What happens when you play "the blues" backwards?
A: Your wife comes back to you, your dog returns to life and you get out of prison.

Q: What do you get when you cross a music critic with a bowling ball?
A: A bowling ball that wouldn't know a good performance if it heard one.

Q: What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.