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Musician Jokes

Short Musician Jokes 3

    Definition of a string quartet: a good violinist, a bad violinist, a would-be violinist and someone who hates the violin getting together to complain about composers.

    Q: How are musicians like linoleum?
    A: Lay them good once and you can walk on them forever.

    Q: Generally speaking, how late does a band play?
    A: About two beats behind the drummer.

    Q: What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone?
    A: "Well...I didn't wake up this mornin'..."

    Q: What will it take to reunite The Beatles?
    A: Three more bullets.

    Q: What would Jerry Garcia be doing, if he were alive today?
    A: Clawing at the lid of his coffin.

    Q: What was the last thing to go through Kurt Cobain's mind?
    A: His teeth.

    Q: What were Kurt Cobain's last words?
    A: "Hole is really going to be big."

    Q: What's the difference between a dressmaker and an alto?
    A: The dressmaker tucks up the frills.

    Q: What do you see when you look up an alto's dress?
    A: A tenor.

    Q: How many altos does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None. They can't get that high!

    Q: How does a singer change a light bulb?
    A: She/he holds it and the world revolves around her/him.

    Q: What's the difference between a singer and a toilet?
    A: A toilet doesn't follow you around after you use it.

    Q: How do you know if a singer is at the front door?
    A: She can't find her key.

    Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?
    A: Most musicians have never been in a Porsche.

    Q: What's the first thing a soprano does in the morning?
    A: Puts on her clothes and goes home.

    Q: What's the second thing a soprano does in the morning?
    A: Looks for her instrument.

    Q: What's the difference between a soprano and the PLO?
    A: You can negotiate with the PLO.

    Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a pirhana?
    A: Lipstick.

    Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?
    A: Jewelry.

    Q: What's the definition of an alto?
    A: A soprano who can sight-read.

    Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a baby elephant?
    A: Eleven pounds.

    Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and an average all-pro offensive lineman?
    A: Stage makeup.

    Q: How can you tell if a Wagnerian soprano is dead?
    A: The horses all seem relieved.

    Q: Why are soprano jokes all one-liners?
    A: So tenors can understand them.

    Q: If you threw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first?
    A: The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions.

    Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a terrorist?
    A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

    Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?
    A: About 10 pounds.

    Q: How is a soubrette different from a sewer rat?
    A: Some people actually like sewer rats.

    Q: What is the difference between a soubrette and a cobra?
    A: One is deadly poisonous, and the other is a reptile.

    Q: How do you tell if a Wagnerian soprano is dead?
    A: The horses seem very relieved.

    Q: What's the next thing a soprano does in the morning?
    A: Looks for her instrument.

    Q: What's the difference between an alto and a tenor?
    A: Tenors don't have hair on their backs.

    Q: How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Four. One to change the bulb and three to bitch that they could have done it if they had the high notes.

    Q: How do you tell if a tenor is dead??
    A: The wine bottle is still full and the comics haven't been touched.

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