A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead.
"Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!"
At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead.
"Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?"
"Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse.
Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life. "Nurse," asks the doctor, "did you prick his boil?"
"OH MY GOODNESS!" replies the nurse.
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The nurse who can smile when things go wrong is probably going off duty.
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Q: Why did the nurse always insist on using the rectal thermometer to obtain temperatures?
A: She was taught in nursing school to always look for her patient's best side.
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Q: Did you hear about the nurse who died and went straight to hell?
A: t took her two weeks to realize that she wasn't at work anymore!
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Top 10 reasons to become a nurse
Pays better than fast food, though the hours aren't as good.
Fashionable shoes & sexy white uniforms.
Needles: It's better to give than to receive.
Reassure your patients that all bleeding stops....eventually.
Expose yourself to rare, exotic, & exciting new diseases.
Interesting aromas.
Do enough charting to navigate around the world.
Celebrate the holidays with all your friends.....at work.
Take comfort that most of your patients survive no matter what you do to them.
Courteous & infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in perfectly legible handwriting.
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How nurses do it...
Nurses do it painless.
Nurses do it with TLC.
Nurses do it with care.
Nurses do it with intensive care.
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You Might Be a Nurse if...
when using a public restroom, you wash your hands with soap for a full minute and turn off the faucets with your elbows.
when you tell a man you meet for the first time you're a nurse, you're expected to laugh hysterically when he asks you for a sponge bath, as if it was the most original and wittiest thing you've ever heard.
your favorite dream is the one where you leave a mess at a patient's bedside and tell a doctor to clean it up.
men assume you must be great in bed because of the 9 billion porn movies about nurses.
everyone, including complete strangers, tells you about each and every ache and pain they have.
you want to put your foot through the TV screen every time you see a nurse on a soap opera doing nothing but talking on the phone and flirting with doctors.
you can almost SEE the germs on doorknobs and telephones.
you can watch the goriest movie and eat anything afterwards, even spagetti with lots of tomato sauce.
you use a plastic 30cc medicine cup for a shotglass.
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Q: How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: None, they just have a nursing assistant do it.
A2: As much as the doctor orders.
Q: How many triage nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but the bulb will have to spend four hours in the waiting room.
Q: How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in
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