A project manager, a computer programmer and a computer operator are driving down the road when the car they are in gets a flat tire. The three men try to solve the problem.
The project manager said: "Let's catch a cab and in ten minutes we'll reach our destination."
The computer programmer said: "We have here the driver's guide. I can easily replace the flat tire and continue our drive."
The computer operator said: "First of all, let's turn off the engine and turn it on again. Maybe it will fix the problem."
Suddenly a Microsoft software engineer passed by and said: "Try to close all windows, get off the car, and then get in and try again."
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Q: Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?
A: Because DEC 25 = OCT 31
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Q: How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day?
A: Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat."
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A system programmer came home from work almost at dawn and told his wife enthusiastically: "Tonight I have installed a new release of MVS/ESA together with VM/CMS and CICS/VS".
"G.O.O.D" answered his wife.
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The Programmers' Cheer
Shift to the left, shift to the right!
Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!
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"Have you heard about the object-oriented way to become wealthy?"
"No..."
"Inheritance."
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If you can touch it and you can see it, it's REAL.
If you can touch it but you can't see it, it's TRANSPARENT.
If you can't touch it but you can see it, it's VIRTUAL.
If you can't touch it and you can't see it, it's GONE.
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Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting "F1 F1" and nobody understood it.
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The most important thing in the programming language is the name. A language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable language.
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Q: Why all Pascal programmers ask to live in Atlantis?
A: Because it is below C level.
Q: What is an example of a never halting program?
A: Friedrichs and Magnus in front of an open elevator, each saying "you go first".
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Q: Why Client Server Computing is like Teenage Sex
A1: It is on everybody's mind all the time.
A2: Everyone is talking about it all the time.
A3: Everyone thinks everyone else is doing it.
A4: Almost no one is really doing it.
A5: The few who are doing it are:
- doing it poorly;
- sure it will be better next time;
- not practicing it safely.
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All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
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The programmer to his son: "Here, I brought you a new basketball."
"Thank you, daddy, but where is the user's guide?"
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The problem with physicists is that they tend to cheat in order to get results.
The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy problems in order to get results.
The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at toy problems in order to get results.
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A software verifier read in the Bible that God protects all fools, and decided to test it empirically. He jumped out of the window and broke a leg. There he lies, writhing in pain, and happily thinks: "I never really considered myself a fool, but I never knew I was THAT clever!"
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They say that the new super computer knows everything. A skeptical man came and asked the computer, "Where is my father?"
The computer bleeped for a short while, and then came back with "Your father is fishing in Michigan."
The skeptical man said triumphantly, "You see? I knew this was nonsense. My father has been dead for twenty years."
"No", replied the super computer immediately. "Your mother's husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout."
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