16> Under threat of an embargo, Yeltsin quickly apologizes for the USSR's early space program.

15> National Endowment for the Arts replaced by a roomful of President's relatives with typewriters.

14> Microsoft? Sell! IBM? Sell! Chiquita? Buy, baby, buy!

13> "Organ grinding" no longer refers to Presidential proclivities.

12> First President in diapers since the Reagan years.

11> Shiny red ass could be blamed on heredity instead of a wild night at the Little Rock Holiday Inn with a hooker named Wanda.

10> Pauly Shore receives the Presidential Achievement Medal in the Arts.

9> N.R.A. banquet ends badly with Charlton Heston shouting, "Get your filthy paws off me, you damn dirty ape!"

8> Four opposable thumbs allow for Chinese bribe-taking at twice the speed of current administration.

7> New Director of the FBI: Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp.

6> State of the Union address reduced to three minutes of dung-tossing and chest thumping instead of ninety minutes of dung-tossing and chest thumping.

5> President's IQ now only 10 points higher than Rush Limbaugh's.

4> To deflect attention from recent scandal, President appears on Tonight Show riding a unicycle.

3> "No, Ms. Embry, you can't spend the night in the Lincoln bedroom again!"

2> During press conferences, the President eats lice from Sam Donaldson's toupee.

and the Number 1 Difference if the President Were a Monkey...

1> On executive decisions: Silly-assed toothy grin means "yes." Loud raspberry means "no."