16> Under threat of an embargo, Yeltsin quickly apologizes for the USSR's early
15> National Endowment for the Arts replaced by a roomful of President's relatives with
14> Microsoft? Sell! IBM? Sell! Chiquita? Buy, baby, buy!
13> "Organ grinding" no longer refers to Presidential proclivities.
12> First President in diapers since the Reagan years.
11> Shiny red ass could be blamed on heredity instead of a wild night at the Little
Rock Holiday Inn with a hooker named Wanda.
10> Pauly Shore receives the Presidential Achievement Medal in the Arts.
9> N.R.A. banquet ends badly with Charlton Heston shouting, "Get your filthy
paws off me, you damn dirty ape!"
8> Four opposable thumbs allow for Chinese bribe-taking at twice the speed of current
7> New Director of the FBI: Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp.
6> State of the Union address reduced to three minutes of dung-tossing and chest
thumping instead of ninety minutes of dung-tossing and chest thumping.
5> President's IQ now only 10 points higher than Rush Limbaugh's.
4> To deflect attention from recent scandal, President appears on Tonight Show riding a
3> "No, Ms. Embry, you can't spend the night in the Lincoln bedroom again!"
2> During press conferences, the President eats lice from Sam Donaldson's toupee.
and the Number 1 Difference if the President Were a Monkey...
1> On executive decisions: Silly-assed toothy grin means "yes." Loud
raspberry means "no."
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